Spring 1998: They
Still Are Coming! (Sometime)December 1997: Big
Changes Are Coming!September 1997: The
Big OhAugust 1997: We
are Moving Again!July 1997: The
Crying Game is Suing Me!June 1997: Ah'm
Sue'n Star Trek!May 1997: We
Have a Winner!April 1997: The
"Let's Rename This Page" ContestMarch 1997: The
Big MoveFebruary 1997: I'm
Sopping My Own Gravy Now!January 1997: When
The Log Rolls Over, We Shall Die! December 1996:
New Beginning November 1996:
Special Requests
Well, I'm late again. Sorry
about that folks. Between discovering Command & Conquer and other unspecified
surfings and just plain laziness, I let time get away from me again. All
those extra links pages are up still up and I've made only a little progress
on my Java page. I've got it auto-refreshing and automatically playing
a sound file and that's about it. Maybe this summer.
Hey, I found a pretty
neat site the other day. It's called The
Fantastic Typing CyberMonkey. You know the old saying about an infinite
number of monkeys typing away at an infinite number of typewriters ,blah,
blah, blah. Well this site tries to see if it is really true. And while
we on the subject, the other day I came across a great quote at The
Dysfunctional Family Circus (the second funniest site on the Web).
I saved the exact quote on my computer and then lost it. Oops. It goes
something like this:
If an infinite number of rednecks were riding in the back of an infinite number of pickup trucks and shooting an infinite number of shotguns at an infinite number of road signs for an infinite number of time, would they eventually spell out one of the great works of literature in braille?
Oh yea, I almost forgot.
Back on January 30, Clyde was named Pet of the Day at Pet
of the Day.com. This site is normally featured on Netscape's
What's Cool page, but doesn't seem to be there right now. This is a
heavily traveled site, so I'm sure a lot of people stumbled across our
boy that day.
First of all, let me explain
why this update is so late at being posted. At the end of September, Danny
and Julie of "Danny and Julie's Webzine" got engaged and on November 22,
Danny and Julie got married. So as you could imagine, we have been way
too busy planning and getting everything together to take care of our website
the way we should. Now that everything is starting to settle down and we
are able to get back to business as usual, we won't! Read on.....
Item #1: Danny and Julie's
Webzine will no longer be monthly. In 1998, it will be a quarterly. The
main reason for this is, to be honest, I'm starting to run out of ideas.
Also, there are other things that I'm wanting to do with my website and
with my computer in general. I have a ton of programs I need to learn and
very little time to do it in. So in this coming year, I'm going to be spacing
out the stories and such and hopefully the quality will increase and you'll
start seeing other new and different types of pages.
Item #2: And speaking
of new and different types of pages, I hope to get the "Annoying Java Page"
up and running sometime next year. It won't be about Java only, but also
forms, auto refresh, and lots of other stuff that tends to annoy people.
It will be along the same lines as The
"I Hate Frames" Frames Page. Speaking of which, that page is just a
joke. I put that page together for fun and just to learn how to make a
frames page. I get more hate mail from that page than from any other page.
In fact, I get all my hate mail from that page. There's people out
there that carry on like they invented frames themselves. Chill out people,
it's all just a joke.
Item #3: Other new things
could include an Ernest T. Bass Sound Page. Did you know there is not one
single Ernest T. Bass Sound Page or Fan Page anywhere on the whole Internet?
I went through all the major search engines and came up bone dry. Well
you heard it hear first. So stay tuned. Other projects may include a White
Trash Picture Gallery and The Log Joke may get a page of it's own.
Item #4: My Links Pages
will be totally revamped. I will probably trash all but three of them and
make those more theme related instead of having all of them look the same.
The others will be trashed to make more room and due to lack of interest
and redundancy. Besides, if you can't find Netscape, Microsoft, and Dilbert
without me, then you might as well give it up.
That's what happened this
month. Nothing. Zero. The Big Oh! I haven't heard from the Paramount lawyers,
or the Crying Game lawyers, or even from Fox. Maybe they forgot about me.
Good, because I am just about sick of watching all these Westerns. Anyway,
I have done my monthly update now, so I'll see you next month.
Whoops! I almost forgot.
I don't another response from The Log Joke article.
This time from Paul Huggins.
"I heard the log joke when I was in grade school. I went to
school in Aurora, Minnesota, a tiny town up in the northern part of the
state." If responses like this keep coming in, I may have to dedicate
a whole webpage to the subject. Keep those cards and letters coming.
That's right! We're moving
again, sort of. It's kind of complicated. Because we are really not moving.
We are not changing ISPs again, but our Website address will be changing
and our email address has already changed. When we last change ISPs, we
changed over to IPA (Internet Partners
of America); but because of the region of the state that we live in, we
had to use the Intellinet
servers. Intellinet is another ISP that IPA had recently purchased at that
time. Since that time IPA has been slowly but surely absorbing and upgrading
Intellinet and the plans are that eventually Intellinet will completely
cease to exist. In the meanwhile, we had the djhill@intellinet.com
email address and the http://www.users.intellinet.com/~djhill/
website address. Now our email address is djhill@ipa.net
and our website will be http://www2.ipa.net/~djhill/.
Actually, both email addresses and website addresses work right now. But
eventually only the IPA will be the only one that works. The details of
when the complete changeover will take place have not been worked out yet.
In the meanwhile, you might as well update your bookmarks to the www2.ipa.net
address, because next month the www.users.intellinet.com address may not
exist.
NOTE!!!! It is www2.ipa.net.
Pay special attention to the number 2. Also, pay special attention to the
.net, it is NOT www.ipa.com. Please do not send us email to that address
because it really annoys the poor guys at the Internet Professionals Association.
During the transition,
their will be two web counters at the bottom of each page. This is only
temporary, so excuse the mess.
I'm still trying to find
that Western movie I mentioned last month. I have received a whopping response
of zero emails on the subject. Come on guys! I'm dying here.
Here's a good one. My
boss was given a book called "The Lifetime Achievements of Bill Clinton".
Of course, the book was nothing but blank pages. He went to the internet
and tried to do a search on the subject. This is the results
from Yahoo. I guess that confirms it. The internet has spoken.
That's right! Just one month
after I filed my lawsuit against Paramount Studios, The Crying Game people
filed a lawsuit against me. Ya'll are already aware of my Scorpion story
and how that Star Trek stoled it from me. Well, about a few days after
my last update I was contacted by William
Coman who told my that the story was also used in The Crying
Game movie. Now, I have never seen The Crying Game before, but I have always
wanted to; even though the big secret surprise (that no one is allowed
to talk about with people that had not seen the movie yet) had been ruined
for me. Well I thought that now was as good a time as any. And it was a
good movie; better than I even thought it would be. And sure enough, the
Scorpion story was in it, except this time it was a Frog instead of a Fox
or Turtle. I showed the movie to my very capable lawyer Lionel
Hutz (55 k) and he said, "No Problem!" Two weeks later, I hear from
the Crying Game lawyers and my lawyer goes on vacation all of a sudden
like. He says if he doesn't take it now, he'll lose all he vacation days
for the year. That doesn't seem right, it being June and all. Any way,
I know the Star Trek people put them up the this. They are just trying
to get me to drop my lawsuit against them.
Now I'm going to come clean about where I first heard this story. I was about 8 or 9 years old in the early seventies and I was watching some Western movie on TV. One cowboy told another cowboy the story of the Scorpion and the Turtle. I am almost 100% positive it was a turtle. The movie was in color and was not made for television. Also it seemed to be on NBC. The cowboys were outside and out in some desert like area. I'd say the movie was made between 1965 and 1975 and most likely after 1970. The Crying Game lawyers tell me that if I can tell them the name of that movie and if I drop my lawsuit against Paramount, that they will drop their suit against me. Fair enough, but one problem; I don't have the faintest idea what the name of that movie was. This is where I come to you. Is there any one out their that remembers that movie. Any one PLEASE! Surely their is some Western fanatic out there that can get me out of this jam. All you have to do is email me with the answer and I got it made.
Special Log Joke
Update: For those of you who remember, I asked everyone out there
back in January if they remember hearing the Log Joke
when they were kids; and if so, where it was that they heard it. Well I
just heard from Marcel in Canada
and I thought I just had to share this with you. And remember now, don't
be shy. I really want to hear from you on this. I was thrill to get this
today.
I heard in in Surrey, British Columbia, which is a suburb of Vancouver, B.C.
And it was damn funny when I was a kid, unfortunately not so anymore.
Bye,
Marcel
That's right, I'm suing Star
Trek! Did anyone out there catch the season finale of Star Trek: Voyager?
Pretty good show. It's a keeper. I'll skip on rehashing the whole show,
but the one part I want to bring up here is this. Captain Janeway decides
to make a deal with the Borg in giving them information about how to defeat
an even greater enemy in exchange for safe passage through Borg Space.
Well Commander Chakotay thinks that is about the stupidest thing he ever
heard. So he tells Janeway an old parable he heard as a child about "The
Scorpion and the Fox". I don't know about you, but it sure sounds a lot
like my story of "The Turtle and the Scorpion" in my December 1996 update.
(See below). What do you think? Do I have a chance?
Here's a good one. I came
across this in the April 29-30 edition of the Paragould Tribune in the
classified ads.
Here's a follow up on our
AOL sites:
Due to the overwhelming response
of absolutely nobody, we have a winner of last month's "Let's Rename This
Page Contest" - ME! So from now on, this page will be known as "The
Oddball Page". So, if you don't like my choice, too bad. You had your chance.
Danny and Julie's Webzine
is expanding to AOL. We have had an account with AOL for a couple of months
now so that Julie can access something for her work that you can't get
anywhere else (Vet stuff), and along with that comes 10 MB of webspace.
Under our current ISP, we have only 2 MB of space and we are slowly creeping
towards maxxing that out. So the plan is to keep the core of "Danny and
Julie's Webzine" right here on Intellinet where it always has been and
to place the graphically intense new pages over in the AOL space. So we
will be growing and expanding in the coming months.
Daylight Savings Time
finally kicked in this month. That means the clock in my truck is finally
right again (for at least six months, that is). And speaking of clocks,
Julie used to have the time on her alarm clock set early to fool herself
in the morning and the clocks in the bathroom were all set to different
times. Well, after listening to me gripe about never knowing what time
it is, (I don't need to be fooled in the morning, I know what time I need
to be at work and how long it takes to get there), she finally set all
the clocks in the house to the same time. The only problem now is; all
five radios are set to different stations and she has to turn on at three
to them, not including my radio alarm. So now we have four different stations
play in the mornings and it sounds like some dang opera company warming
up after everything gets mixed together. I can't win.
Okay everybody, Danny and
Julie's Webzine has been "on the air" since November of last year and we
have recently had our 1000th hit. Pretty good for a little ol' personal
home page stuck off in some dark little corner of the internet. I guess
I could have more hits if I had some porn or something like that, but who
needs one more porn site. BUT, as of this writing, this page hasn't even
had 100 hits yet. And dang it, it's a pretty good page! Interesting things
can be found here. I guess with a title like "Misc Thoughts and Stuff",
people must think that this is some kind of trash page and not worth to
download time. So, it is time to rename this page and I would appreciate
any suggestions. I'm thinking: "The Oddball Stuff", "The Oddball Page",
"The Leftovers". I don't know, something like that. What is your prize,
you ask? Nothing! A big thanks from us and your name up in lights right
here.
When The Log Rolls Over
- UPDATE: For those of you who read the January Misc
Story, I ask for people who remembered hearing that joke as a child
and where they lived when they heard it. I already had Arkansas, Louisiana,
and Texas. Now we hear from Donald Atkinson: originally from Bisbee - a
small town in southeastern Arizona. This bad little joke seems to be a
little less small as time goes by. Thanks Donald. And for the rest of you,
if you remember hearing that story as a child, please email
me and let me know where you heard it.
One last thing. I just
found this great way of speeding up your modem. I went from connecting
at 21600 to 57600, and I only have a 28.8 modem. Now of course, the internet
itself can still be slow at times, but there is still a noticeable difference.
First thing you do is go to "Ask
Dr. Modem". Follow the instructions for your brand and specific type
of modem. Then you will find an "init string" listed. This line of text
is what you will cut and paste. Now, in Windows 95: go to Start> Settings>
Control Panel> Modems> Properties> Connection> Advanced> in Extra Settings
box: this is where you will paste your init string. Do that and reboot
and then see how fast your connection is. If you don't like it, all you
have to do is take it back out again - no problem.
Well everybody, we made the
big move. Our previous ISP changed their rates and the flat rate was only
good for 150 hours. That's like an all you can eat buffet - anorexics only
welcome. Because of this, the March issue is slightly late. The counters
were off-line for three or four days and now that we've got them back,
they are all fuzzy looking. But I'll keep working at them and also I'll
keep trying to iron out all the other wrinkles at our website. I'm having
to resubmit to all the search engines and contact all the people who have
ever emailed me to let them know where we are now. So things have been
a little hectic around here. So if you spot anything I have missed -bad
link, missing graphic, whatever - let me know and I'll fix it. Otherwise,
have patience and things should be back to normal by next month. Hope to
see you soon and often.
Something new I started
this month is archiving the older Bodacious Lies and Pointless Stories.
The stories are still available, they are just on separate pages now. From
now on, I will just have the two most recent stories on the main pages.
This should cut down on your download time. Now I need to figure out what
I need to do with my link page.
For you non-southerners or
generally ignorant people (not an insult), sopping (or soppin') is using
bread (such as a roll or a biscuit) to wipe up whatever is left on your
plate at the end of a meal. Mostly it is for cleaning up the gravy or juices
or egg yoke or whatever and to give your bread a little extra flavor while
you were at it. It is not practiced very much nowadays except maybe by
a few tightwads like me. I paid good money for that food and, Buddy,
I'm going to eat every last drop of it!
When I was in High School, my history teacher, Mrs. Ball - a great lady, told us this old story from the old South that ended with a phrase that stuck in my head all these years and haunts me at every meal that includes any kind of bread. Now it's my turn to do to you what she did to me.
Here is one
of those stupid first-grader jokes I mentioned a couple of months ago.
It is not funny and makes no sense and no one remembers it until I am halfway
done telling it. When they do remember it, they have a really strange flashback.
Sometimes it gets a little bizarre. And what is even more strange, I have
told it people who grew up in different places in the state of Arkansas,
and also from Louisiana and Texas: and they all remember this joke. So
please, if you remember this joke, email and tell me about it, and
don't forget to tell me where you grew up. I would like to list them here.
So, get ready for nothing.
I'm still
waiting for you to send your stories in. I would love to hear from you
and publish your stories.
I'm thinking
about changing the background for the Main Page, which I also use for Lies
and Stories, with each new issue. That should help you recognize that the
new issue is out a little more easily. I will also list the current titles
for Lies, Stories, and Misc in the table of contents on the Main Page.
The Links Pages are constantly being updated so do drop by often anyway.
Any other suggestions? Please drop a line.
I started a
new job in November. And as in most cases, the parting from the old one
was not on the smoothest of terms. I'm not going to spend time complaining
about my old job or naming names or anything like that. You can get plenty
of that at the Disgruntled
Website. But there is an old story you may have heard before that I
was reminded of every day that I worked for nearly the last year. I heard
this story as a young child and it has stayed with me my whole life. Read
it and see if it has any special meaning in your life.
The other
day, one of the guys at work who owns a Macintosh was having problems with
his computer so he tried calling the Apple hotline. The number is 1-800-SOS-APPL.
Except he accidentally replaced the letter O with the number 0. I'm not
going to tell you what happened, you'll have to call the number yourself.
Go ahead, it's free and the person on the other end won't get mad at all.
Do it. It's free. You'll get a big kick out of it.
HELP ME!
I would like to add a few more pages to my web site, but I can't I do it
without your help. I need stories from you. Do you have stories that could
fit in these categories.
Old People Stories - Can you finish this for me - " The other day while I was cutting Grandma's toenails, she said...."? Something along those lines. Everyone has a Grandparent or uncle or something that was a "Collector". You know, the one that never would throw anything away no matter how useless, worthless or broke down it was. Any lists of those items out there?Goofy Things Kids Say - Like the time my nephew asked, "How do you spell dumb?" or the time my niece accidentally combined the two phrases: hogging up all the room and taking up all the space and said "Taking up all the hog". We have since made that a standard phrase. Even mispronounced words or phrases like the time another nephew who called me Monkey Candy instead of Uncle Danny. I ain't prejudiced, I'll make fun of anybody.
Tales of White Trash - I'm not sure if their is enough of this for it's own page but it's worth a try. I'm proud white trash myself (once removed), so I know a few interesting stories and individuals.
Bad Kid's Jokes - Remember those stupid jokes you heard first grade that you thought were funny? I got a few but I'll give to you in the coming months.
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