Trust me!
The Great
Walter Miller Impersonator
This is my absolute favorite site on the internet. It is sick, gross, and disgusting; it has no picture, no sounds, no flashing Java applets. Just a dull gray background covered with terribly misspelled words and even worse grammar. It is the ongoing sad and depressing saga of young Walter Miller and how he has to take care of his miserable old beast of a grandfather. If you have a dark and warped and twisted sense of humor like me and most people I have shown this to (Julie hates it!), you will literally hurt and cry (and maybe even slobber) from laughing so hard. This guy's timing is perfect. This site has won several awards for best and worst of the Web and recently was named one the Top 100 Web Sites by PC Magazine and also had a full page article devoted to this site in a recent issue of TIME. There is even a book in the works. The site is normally updated twice a month, so I start peeking in there close to the first and fifteenth of each month. Once again, trust me-just go there and start reading the updates starting at the earliest and work up to the most recent and don't give up too early if you don't get it right away (like Julie did). But beware: the language is rated PG. The kind of language that is now on network TV.
Recently, when one of the new updates came out, there was an HTML error in his main update page that wouldn't allow you to access the update. So I e-mailed him to inform him and in the going back and forth, Julie responded to one of the messages and her e-mail always has a signature file attached that includes a Robert Burns ( a Scottish Poet) poem attached:
"My heart is in the HighlandsListed below is the response to that e-mail. It is a Walter Miller Original and you won't find it any where else in the world but here. So here it is:My heart is not hereMy heart is in the HighlandsA-chasing the Deer"
Re: book
Date: Thu, 17 Oct 1996 12:33:05, -0500
From:waltermiller@prodigy.com (MR MR W MILLER)
To:djhill@cswnet.com
Juley,
Granfather loves Burnes, Shakspaere, Kipling and other british poets.
He does a good english and scottish accent, and he often sits on the
"throne" recitting from Richard the 2nd (or mabey its Richerd the
3rd): "This throne, this realm this sceptered emerald dropping..."
I
read to him your Burns poem and the quickwitted basterd shot back to
me in a highland broage:
"My ass is on the crapper
A-droppin the beer.
And other things I've eaten,
A-splashin' me rear."
Im sorry i know thats immatoure of me but somtimes granfather IS
funny. By the way there WAS a problem with my HMTL coding of that
page AND NOW ITS FIXED.
Walter.
2) Hackers did it. But, it just seems to good to be the work of someone else. It's too much like Walter.
3) Grandpa did it. He's mean enough to do it and he has impersonated Walter more than once in the past; but, it wasn't all upper case and Grandpa is proud of his spelling. On the other hand, Grandpa is an evil genius and if you read the above note again, it is actually very flattering of Grandpa. Could it be that Grandpa is doing a lot more on the internet than Walter realizes?
Danny i saw your site a few months ago and also youre new page. I think we have a deffinite "Walter...Site of the Day" here!!! The olny thing: I do not remembor writtin that Robert Byrnes poem. I dont remembor Granfather resciting it either. But the first part of the note looks like one of mine. The olny thing i can figgoure out is that around the time I was having problems the html code of my hompage I alowwed FTP acess to some other people to help me and its possible they responded (and wrote the first part of that note based on anothoer corespondence of mine that was in my files.) I have also been hacked once or twice in the past, but it should never happen again.
Anyway the poem IS funny. Even thuogh Im pretty sure I never saw it till it was on your page. Anyway it doesent matter. The whole thing is sort of like a mixed up Walter Miller-like sitouation, dont you think? Also thanks for the kind words. i remember Juley wasnt as big a fan as you, but thats OK, we all have our diferrent tastes! Also your site will get a VERY high grade from the WWW Poorselfimage Relevency Factor--I havent pluged in all thr data your but I know it will be over 90%. Thanks so much for evorything, Your freind, Walter Miller
Dear Walter I'm glad to hear that I have a chance to be on your links page. But I am also disturbed that the "Grandpa" version of the Burns poem may not be genuine. I have the original email dated Oct 17 at 12:33. Is it "genuine" enough that I can leave it as is or would you want me to put a little disclaimer on it. Also, do you think that Grandpa might have snuck in and answered this email for you "in lower case". Gee, something like this almost could give a person that "Walter Miller" is not just an East Coast writer but possible a "team" of writers. Anyway the server for my webpage seems to be temporarily down for the moment, but if you want to look it over again and want like me to make any changes for "legal" reasons, please let me know.
Your biggest fan Danny Hill
Julie P.
"My heart is in the Highlands
Major Bonny
my heart is not here.
Commander Clyde
My heart is in the Highlands.
Cadet Valerie
a-chasing the deer."
78th Div. Arkansas Artillery
Armored Division
Hdqtrs-Paragould
Robert Burns
djhill@intellinet.com
http://www.users.intellinet.com/~djhill/
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Danny ive ben tryin to get to your new page all day! The server is indeed
down. If you want, and only if you want, (i certainly dont want to be tellin
you what to put on your webpage) you can add that it MAY of been sent to
you by a walter inposter because indeed around Octobor i was definitly
hacked. (the hacking was entireley my fault cause i gave my ID out to 2
guys in Houston who were helping me -- never will do THAT again; it wasnt
malicous of them they were just being funny, and i can apreciate that);
Prodigy has old IBM servers that i hear are very secure. I think the fact
that it may be a fake note is very humorous. (Until I read the note i neverr
heard of Robert Burns). Then agaian, I MAY of wrote it but dont remember.
As you your theorey that i am "a team of writers" --well i wish I had a
team of them to help me with granfather :^) PLEASE let me know when your
server is up again Your freind, Walter Miller P.S. if you want you can
add this note or parts of yesterday and todays notes to your site. P.s.s.
Here is a sig file of one of granfathers dogs I am working on: Notice the
ears torn off and missin an eye plus with his tounge all slobbery; So if
you cant have an original poem from me at least you have an ORIGINOL sig
file of a dog--somthing I never did before.
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';.....
Quote: I said to the old bastord STOP IT NOW or else hed spend the day in a twist-tied Hefty Steel-Sak stuffed in the adjacint lockor with a roll of socks in his moulth. If some of my fans in Arkansaw are reading this, like Danny, Julie, Jim Guy and perhaps Webstor Hubble I appologize for the behavier and creul remarks of my granfather about your fine state. Unquote.
Of course I don't know for sure if the above mentioned "Jim Guy" is our esteemed convicted Whitewater criminal, forced out of office, ex-governor Jim Guy Tucker; but then everbody knows who Webster Hubble is. When I told Julie about this, she said, "Ask him, what in the blank is he doing grouping us with that bunch." Oh well.
And of course, I had to write him and thank him for mentioning our names. And of course his response is good enough to share with the world, so here it is:
Subject: Thanks from Arkansas
Date: Sat, 3 May 1997 13:41:40, -0500
From: waltermiller@PRODIGY.COM (MR MR W MILLER)
To: djhill@intellinet.com
DANNY, youll be even more fammous when i link to you later this month
in the "Site That Links to the Walter Miller Homepage Site of the day.
"
Granfather was inpresed by that page, and asked me to personoly oppologize
to you & Juley for his remarks on people from the Oportunity state.
He DOES like you two!
Walter
P.S. Granfather is prety sure someone hacked YOUR email and wrote that
Robert Burnes poem: THE ONLY 'BURNS' THEM ARKENSAW FOLKS KNOW IS FROM THERE
NECKS GITTIN BURNT RED IN THE SUN."
The rest of this is for you late-comers and whoever else wanders into this page. Not only do I get linked to from the best site on the Web but I also receive this fast loading, low resolution, transparent, shockwave flash sprite thingy created by Walter Miller himself. Go ahead, try it out.
I know that I have already commented on Walter's Homepage, but I feel like I need to say one more thing. I have been included in a list of fine Websites that all link to and comment on Walter's page and his poor life. They all comment on how he is symbolic of the youth of today and the state of the internet and a lot of other deep stuff. All I got to say is, HEY!!! IT'S JUST FUNNY!! OKAY??? Don't go there expecting to "find God", because all you will find is the Devil - and he's wearing a tobacco soaked cardboard collar and he gets around with a walker.
And now for my shameless plug. If you enjoy Walter's stories, be
sure to check my "Bodacious Lies" and "Pointless Stories". There not as
good as Walter's work, but they ain't too bad either. In case you didn't
know, his homepage was the inspiration of Danny and Julie's Webzine. If
you're busy right now, just bookmark me and drop by later. You're welcome
anytime.